The Waiting Game

So, today, I get to celebrate that I've managed to go the full four and a half hours since Andrew left without crying or falling into a fit of SADFEELS.  This morning, he accepted my reasoning for needing the extra bit of day to myself, because I love spending time with him, but I'm about to go back to work in the morning, and among other things, I REALLY didn't want to have to worry about him being on the road while I was trying to work.  Also, I am a natural introvert and being alone at home is NOT THE SAME as me being in one room and him being in another or being on the patio playing a game.  It's not the same kind of freedom--it really isn't.

These visits are my catch-22.  I miss him so much, I try to be with him as much as physically possible, but then by the end, I'm exhausted, and all I want is to dance around the room to my own music and have the comfort that I'm alone and I'm the only one judging me (besides the cat and dog).  I'm not saying that I can't be myself with him, or with people in general, but sometimes, I just want to sit and be content in the knowledge that I'm alone.  I like to be alone, but I don't much fancy being lonely.

I told him this yesterday, that these visits make me so tired, and that I needed space--not because I need space to be away from him, I just need space that is mine and is free and open and where I can decompress.

I will admit that I was afraid after I said it, that he would get upset and say "Well, then, why don't I just leave now?" and that we'd fight...  But he just kind of nodded as I quietly went about doing the dishes and without a word, went to sit out on the patio to enjoy the rainy weather and play his game.

Now, I'm the kind of person that will assume that I've done the wrong thing.  *shrugs*  I just do.  That's just how I am.  I may not have been wrong, and no slight may have been intended, but that's how I perceived it, and I will go and sit in the corner and go over and over in my head what I've done wrong and how I need to fix it before it's too late, before he decides that I'm not worth it, that five hours is too much, that infrequent visits are a bad idea and that we should call it quits.  It doesn't matter what was said, or what wasn't said.  I will sit there and think about it and obsess about how I've just done this terrible thing, telling someone how I feel, and how at twenty-five, I'm such a child about needing space and alone time and how selfish I am.

But when he comes back in, it's nothing.  He'd been trying to make a kind gesture, letting me have some space to myself, to do my work, to lie down if I need it, and I just felt the most utter sense of relief wash over me.  He lets me have my space, and even though I can see he doesn't want to go yet, he still goes.  He is what I need, and he makes me feel special and worth it, even if I don't think I am.  He doesn't question it, he just lets me have what I need.

My feels are gone now...  Sigh...  I'm waiting for him to get home...

Webcomics

So, guess who's branching out to webcomics?  =D

Okay, so I've been bored, and I've been trying to work on my artwork, to get more consistent artwork whenever possible.  One of the best ways to do that is to keep working on my stuff, right?  Well, I've begun to work on things and get this thing started.  I told myself I would hold off on sharing (not that I have a toooon of followers, but...) until I got more than a small handful. I still have a lot more to do, of course, but yeah...

Anyways, here's the first page of the first arc of Right to Left, my webcomic.

Ironically, I know, Right to Left is actually read left-to-right.

Right and Left are tons of fun to draw and work with, they really are.  *nods*

Our Etsy Shop and Bad News

Hello, everyone!  Sorry it's been a while since we've piped up, but we heard back a while ago that for the first time in seven years, Starving Artists' Studios will not be attending Anime Nebraskon.  I'm trying to take it as a learning experience, but it kind of hurts, like suddenly my stuff wasn't good enough for them.  I was super excited about my new designs (and I'm going to be super nice and show them to everyone anyway) and everything, so I hope you all like my stuff, because I still opened an Etsy shop even though we aren't getting a table because we're still awesome like that.

Here's some cool stuff to look at!  I am most proud of these, my Lethallan and Lethallin button designs (soon to be printed and available in the shop).  Now, for some background, I've been playing a lot of Dragon Age.  A common term in Elvhen is Lethallan (male) or Lethallin (female).  Usually a term for friend.  My Lethallan and I use them as terms of loving endearment, and Andrew helped teach me some tricks to get these to work.  Oooh and aaah over their prettiness!

I also have Champion of Kirkwall bumperstickers designed, and Sherlock-inspired bumperstickers, as well as more Supernatural stuff to go up soon.  See the designs below (and again, love, thanks so much for your help)

Click any of the pictures (or here) to visit the studio's Etsy shop.  If you'd like to place an order, send me a message and let me know you've followed from my blog, and I can make a custom listing, just for you, with the convention prices.

(The Definition of Smaug.  A play on words and a cleverly constructed postcard design.  Probably my third favorite thing I've ever made.)

Quote of the Day (that has NOTHING to do with the fact that I didn't get a table):

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

~Walt Disney

Nebraskon 2014 or BUST!

So, my art studio was told we'd be put on hold for getting a table this year.  I'm not going to say I'm not miffed, because I am a little bit, though I'm sure we'll get a table.  We've been doing this convention for a long while--this would be the Studio's 7th year, and we strive to always bring new things to the table.  Last year, the new things I had were postcards (honest-to-god postcards that you can send in the mail and everything), bumperstickers (only had 4 designscompleted at the time), new buttons and a bigger size, and new badges.  My prints didn't come because I'd misplaced the display folder, and it was still okay without them.  Last year, we were the ONLY seller with BJD stuff, and we made bank on that stuff, so we were like "Well, we'll totally do that again and get more of certain sizes".  I submitted my application and I started stocking for new things this year.  So far, I've completed two new bumper sticker designs (Castiel's phone-minutes and Sherlock's psychopath/sociopath), and I'm working to make four more at least, two Dragon Age (new thing and we'd possibly be the only one with it), one more Sherlock (not telling, that one's a surprise), and one more Supernatural one.  Buttons will also follow, and chibis are coming back again.  I ran out (yes, OUT) of Castiel chibi stickers and need to make buttons of the adorable angel!  Two more badges are in the works as well, I will probably need/get Andrew's help for those (as he has more actual design sense when it's not a drawing), and I'm trying to debate whether to do more Game of Thrones or not.  Superhero stuff is totally gonna happen too, complete with Loki prints (already did Loki, who is going to be redone soon)

I also have a whole stock of more BJD outfits too!  Learned from our mistakes--we have more yo-sd stuff to offer this year.  

So yeah...  HOPING SO HARD FOR THE NEBRASKON TABLE AGAIN!

Computers, Pains, and the Hearse

I just want to start by saying that I know not a lot of people read my blog posts--really, it's only a few on my Google+ that read them, my roommate included.  I don't mind, it feels like I can still say things and it doesn't matter because who reads it anyway--but the people that help look out for me do, and that's what matters, eh?

It's been a hard couple of months, though god knows I couldn't tell you why.  Don't get me wrong, most days, I am just fine, I'm normal, us and downs, and I do just fine in my day to day, though sometimes, I just have like that moment of teeth-clenched, gut wrenching, digging-holes-in-my-palms-with-my-nails, fury that I only keep bridled because I don't want to have to clean up the mess from taking my headset at work and throwing it on the ground and stomping on it repeatedly.  (I also don't want to endure the looks from when I have to requisition another at work)  Sometimes, I also have moments like this:

(Sorry to the person that did the art, I couldn't portray it as well as you did, and I cannot seem to find you a la the internet.  Have you ever tried to cry as quietly as you can because you don't want to be heard because you feel like you can't give a "decent enough" answer for why you're crying?  I think that's the worst kind of crying, because then you're trying to hold everything back and push it down, and all for, what, saving face if someone else happens to hear you and asks if you're okay?  .... Though, in my defense, this usually strikes me at like five in the morning, and I don't want to wake anyone up, so...)

In the end, I know that I'm just a person, and I'm just going through the bleh part of my life, but sometimes I just... *shrugs*  It's hard to say what may be "wrong" with me, and what may be just normal for what I'm going through.

Enjoying a relationship with a man, for whom I care very deeply for.  The distance isn't helping, but it's easier than I thought it would be, so that's always good.  He's pretty good at accepting me for what I am, and the little things I want to change are natural things to want to change (teaching someone how to make a pot of coffee, how to read on the container if it can go in the microwave BEFORE microwaving it, etc.) about someone.  I'm sure he's got lots of things he'd want to change about me if he could (the crippling self-doubt and borderline self-hatred of myself sometimes, for a start).  I'm learning and trying all sorts of new things (playing Magic and DnD, both things I've wanted to try for a couple of years but never got the chance, playing new video games, learning how much I love sharing things with people, etc).  Haven't told all of the family about him yet, if only because I want to give him the chance to answer their questions himself, and so he can meet them on his own terms.

A few things are physically different.  Still in the townhome (where would I go), still got my dog, still live with a cat named Zeus and a human named Athena, and I'm still a procrastinator, still have the TARDIS, still planning all my new artwork for my upcoming Nebraskon table, still enjoying my job (for the most part), and actually really ecstatic about the new Doctor.

Watched the premiere of the Sherlock episode, and I'm going to be a little deep here, because that's just what I do sometimes.  I enjoy Sherlock, because it's got longer episodes and it makes me smile and I have to think in order to actively keep up with it.  I was very sad when forever ago, Sherlock appeared to leap to his death, and was just dying to see when or even if there would be a next season.  So today, I enjoyed it, ended up laughing several times, and I found the whole thing to be all sorts of clever and nostalgic, without repeating itself.  As I was folding laundry afterwards, I was thinking about how Watson said that it had been two years, that he'd moved on.  Well, I thought about it.  For me, it was about two years.  It was two years that felt like I was sitting in that flat at 221B Baker Street, combing over the evidence of what happened, what I saw, what I didn't see, and trying, so hard, to find where the pieces needed to be rearranged to get the ending that I was looking for.  He had to be alive, and that was all I'd thought about on the topic.  He just had to be alive, somehow, someway.  I was thinking about how could anyone walk away from that, from something like those events, that fall, that phone call, and try to just put it away, like some old book on the shelf that you can see, out of the corner of your eye, a shadow that you know is there, but you don't want to look.  I heard that familiar music, and I felt like I'd never really left that place, Mrs. Hudson just stepped out a bit, Sherlock's going to come back, and Watson's going to trail along behind him, ever loyal and faithful and brilliant in the way that is only Watson, and everything was back to the way it was.

But I digress.  I'm really terrible at writing these things, you know.

I have a new desktop though!  Very fast, super cool, very nice.  <3333  I love it.  I've named him Mercutio.  =D  Today, I got my new desk (well, new to me, grandma's old one), and that is pretty awesome too.  (in the meantime, I've managed to wear myself nearly to the bone, hurt my back again, and either badly bruised my toe or possibly fractured it.  Sigh.  I'm not sure if I'm going to be up to working tomorrow...)